I don’t know why I seem to be so unable to grasp the pain involved with crohn’s disease. For some reason, I keep thinking that “this time”, I will get better. Honestly, I think deep down, I believe one of these times, medicine or treatments are going to actually make my crohn’s disease “go away”. That one day, the doctors will say something like “Oh gee.. we thought you had crohn’s disease, but really it was just a little inflammation and now it’s gone.. you’re cured.”
I admit it.. I do think that sometimes.
And then, I tell myself that no.. I had the colonoscopy, I’ve had the bloodwork and the various CT scans.. I take the medicine and I still hurt, I still have inflammation, hell, an abscess no less… I tell myself this is real, wake up.. take your medicine, take your norco, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just accept that this is the way it is. period.
But, when I wake myself at 3:30 in the morning, whimpering in pain… and have to drag myself out of bed, to the kitchen for pain medicine.. knowing a warm bath is the mostly likely thing that will get me through the next 45 minutes until the pain medicine kicks in… well.. it’s hard not to whimper some more, shed a few tears, say a few ‘damn it’s and yes.. feel sorry for myelf.
Do others have it worse off that me? Oh yes.. with crohn’s, colitis and various other illness.. I know.. and please, I do feel for everyone who suffers pain. But, I feel sorry for myself too. Wahhhh. I’m depressed, but not like wallowing it.. I am on an anti-depressant, it helps but I wouldn’t call it my “happy pill”.
Not to mention.. I’m a little scared. What if this abscess is filling back up.. that would just so suck.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I have had Crohn’s for 50 years and during my colonoscopy this summer I was hoping they would say they had been wrong and what I had could be cured. I think that is one thing that seperates Crohn’s patients from other disease’s. We don’t complain a lot, we live and work with the pain and we are optimistic. And I gotta tell you, we have made wonderful strides in the last few years. When They first found my problem they didn’t have a label and all they could do was a resection (2 of them at 10 years old) Then just lots of prednisone in the 70′s and more surgery. Today we have wonderful pain medicine, great drugs to help treat it and tests like the colonosscope. Now I am just waiting for a cure (and sleeping a lot and taking a handful of medicine)
My 10 year old son has had Ulcerative Colitis since the age of 2 years. He was also diagnosed with Autism at around the same time. I have to admit that he does not complain much and the flare ups have been relatively infrequent but I do worry about his future. As a parent, it is extremely hard to see him in a lot of pain and not be able to do much about it. He doesn’t fully appreciate yet that this is going to be a lifelong illness (unless a cure is found) nor can I expect him to as I have problems with it. It is easy to forget that he is ill when he doesn’t complain or unless things become so bad that they become obvious. I too have denied it’s existence and blamed the consultants for getting the diagnosis all wrong…. waiting for the phone to ring one day to hear someone say… ‘We made a mistake and would like to offer a simple course of treatment to correct the problem’ Maybe one day. Of course, I will never know what it is to suffer from this illness first hand but watching and knowing how it impacts upon one that I love is quite hard enough right now. They say that there may be environmental factors involved. I keep wondering about the severe colic which he had as a baby and wonder, if I had been quicker to change his formula or had be more insistent with his doctor could we have averted any damage or prevented it in some way? I also remember that at the time we were having him investigated at the hospital to get an initial diagnosis, I ran into a colleague from work who had just been given the news that his young daughter had be diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer. I could see the tears streaming down his face and I prayed that this was not to be my son’s fate. I feel so guilty now for feeling so relieved that all my son had was Ulcerative Colitis. ALL THAT HE HAD? How ignorant and stupid was that? The feeling of relief was extremely short lived, and when the full implication sunk in, much more sensible emotions started to kick in such as… panic, horror, guilt, grief and dread.
I pray for a cure one day, but until then, I wish all those who must live with this nightmare each day, all the very best.
Don’t lose hope.
Alex